Monday, August 24, 2009

My heart grieves

In yesterday's Sunday Times, was an innocuously titled article "Graves with No Names".

It reported on abortion statistics in Singapore - an astounding 30 abortions a day, 12,222 abortions in 2007. This almost beggars belief, and reading the story made my heart ache so for the little ones who were never given a chance to come into being.

Little G is due to arrive anytime now, and I'm trying to enjoy having him inside me for just a few more days. Even though this is my second pregnancy, the wonder of having a life grow inside me, and being able to feel him move his little limbs, and seeing his hiccups translate to bumpety bumps on my tummy is something I will never quite learn to take for granted.

So it is in that context that I found my tears falling for the many many little ones whose mothers are just not ready for them, as I read the story. A 27-year-old who was interviewed had just aborted a 16-week old foetus and was asked if she intended to claim the foetus from the hospital. It seems that in Singapore, an aborted foetus before 24-weeks old could simply be left to the disposal of the hospitals. So she said why would she when all she wanted to do was to get on with the rest of her life.

One day, I thought to myself, her past will catch up with her.

Maybe one day when she is ready to be mom, and has found the right guy who can be a good father, she'll experience the joy of a full term 40-week pregnancy and witness her own transformation into a mother, and realize what a colossal mistake she's made before.

On that day, she'll remember her unborn babe and wonder what it would feel like to hold him/ her in her arms, and be the mother that she chose not to be once upon a time.

I offer a silent prayer for all unborn babes and their mothers for whom I can only pray for redemption and forgiveness. These lyrics seem to sum it all up:

I've Never Been To Me
( Charlene )

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....

Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love......

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free
Hey lady......
I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise)
But I've never been to me

(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Neice and the isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to cryin' for unborn children that might have made me complete)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me

Monday, August 10, 2009

National Day Holiday outing

It's hard to imagine that almost 2 months have passed since the last entry.

Returning home, starting work, and re-orientating little one and myself back into a totally different kind of routine while entering my final 2 months of pregnancy really has taken more out of me than I predicted!

Here we are, just a little less than a month to go before baby G arrives.

Big brother D is only starting to refer to "di di G" as being "inside mommy's tummy". In one of his darker moods he would even smack the tummy to express some ill-defined, nebulous frustration that life for him will get a little chaotic soon.

On the bright side, D has settled nicely into a routine of sorts, saying good-bye to me when I leave for work in the morning, then spending the morning with the gramps before heading off to Bethesda Kindergarten around noon for half a day. Plus, he's diapers-free most of the day now, and aside from the occasional accidents he's quite capable of bringing himself to the potty to relieve himself for both #1 and #2!

In the evenings, we sit down for a simple dinner with the computer on, connected to the father at his study desk on Skype. Then a bit of TV before milk, a little play, a goodnight kiss to Daddy on Skype, then shower, and bedtime.

This weekend we celebrated Singapore's 44th National Day, and today being a public holiday, I decided to bring him down to West Coast Park for a play with his cousins. Just a couple of shots sans the other littlies, but with his maternal grandma:

D and the ever popular sand pit.
Sand pit with Po Po.jpg

Sand toddler


At 35 weeks, am feeling fatigued, heavy, and a little worried that baby G will come out too soon.

At 31 years, am feeling a little old for my age, and wondering how some of my fellow mommy friends never seem to lose their inner little girl, and taking each day in their stride, they seem to enjoy the moments of being amused by their baby's shenanigans.

Came across a facebook profile pic of an unmarried friend with wind blowing in her hair, a beautiful smile set against an awe-inspiring backdrop of a Scottish loch and highland landscape. And something inside me stirred... a deep deep longing that just for a moment, I too, want to be alone again. And redeem my identity untainted by the responsibilities of being a woman in my situation, just me and God and His great awesome creation.

In the seminal parental piece of writing "What to Expect When You Are Expecting", the writers explain that it is perfectly normal for mothers to be so overwhelmed by the sudden change in their lives that many mourn the loss of their selfhood post-partum.

I wonder how much of this loss I can rightfully indulge in even before number 2 comes.