Friday, February 15, 2008


It's funny how the weather here reflects the swings in my moods. Sunny and spring-ey one day, and then cold and windy the next, and snow and gloom the next.

Ok. So on House, Gregory House asks his staff the riddle -

"You build a house with a window facing the North, and it's all white outside. A bear walks past the window, what color is he?"

The answer? White. You're in the North Pole, and you're seeing a polar bear.

And just by that, the penny drops. The patient is suffering from bipolar disorder! DUHH.

This REALLY only happens on television. But it did make me think about my own condition here too. Swinging from the frenetic pace of school, dashing from classes to cooking dinner, to positive depression at night. Maybe I'm bipolar.

See, I'm fine in the day, mostly. Once I get going in the morning, I can do gym, do classes, do assignments, no problem.

When evening comes, the pace screeches to a halt. Evening after-dinnertime finds this gal slouching in front of the TV, unable to tear her eyes away from Jon & Kate plus 8 - which incidentally is a real-life TV show about a man and a wife and their EIGHT kids from TWO pregnancies.

(Yup, you heard me right - a set of twins, and three years later, a set of sextuplets - 3 boys and 3 girls. The kids are BEAUTIFUL - a mix of pan-asian from the dad and caucasian from the mom.)

And all I can do is live vicariously through their daily grind of coping with the mostly screaming, shitting, crying, and sometimes unbelievably adorable troop, and wishing with all of my might that for just a few minutes a day I can be back to being mom and wife again.

A friend advised me to try to enjoy this period of bacheloresshood, if there ever is such a word. But after you go through 9 months growing a person inside you, and then experiencing the sheer joys and frustrations brought by this person, I find myself unable to understand, unable to reverse my identity, unable to feel like I'm single again.

It just seems to go against every grain, every fibre of my being to be alone here. To tear the labels "mom" and "wife" from me is to leave a gaping hole right through the middle of me.

Forcing the hands of the clock, coming here alone to study is turning me back into a non-mom and non-wife again. Like some bad dream of being caught in a time warp, this feels unnatural and terrible - I'm back to being an undergrad in London again. Just 10 years older.

The hours pass by in the evenings and weekends slowly. I'm trying to count down the time, trying to go out and have fun with friends and acquaintances. Make the best of the situation. And yes, when I am out, it does help.

But alone in my room, the empty nest syndrome returns far too prematurely (considering it's what people feel AFTER their children grow up and leave the nest, right?).

So that's it. I've decided - I'm decidedly bipolar. And will be until equilibrium is established again - with husband by my side, and kid in tow.

Some pictures my little excursion to Harvard Yard today with the ladies from MOE and Contact Singapore.

Shirley, Joyi & I

J. noticed that we all have our hair parted on the same side... now what are the odds!
Ladies in Harvard Yard

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